About me
Posted by: GayGuy
I really felt as if my whole sexuality is crashing down on me. I very much believed that homosexuality is a normal thing, but yet I am still trapped in the closet, not knowing how, when to come out of it.
I guess you have at least heard of IndigNation. They have activities coming soon organised by them, and I wanted so much to go for them. Yet, I feel so confused. If I go for it, it is like exposing I am gay, and what if someone there knows about it and sees me there, what should I do? Hide?
I live in fear everyday, fear of someone finding out that I am gay, especially my parents. I never tested if they are homophobic, I just knew that they are open minded people.
I am so confused now. Sometimes I felt so much for suicide to end my damned life, but thinking of it, it was rather stupid I guess, because I myself have encouraged a friend before out of suicide because of her break up with her boyfriend.
"Since we are all gay, we are on the same boat, and I can help you," you might say, but I just feel so unsafe, with anyone, who knows if this person only cared about me for a one night stand, I don't want that.
I need friends, I have loads of hetrosexual ones, none homosexual. I am so sad really. Thinking that I am a gay makes me feel so awful.
As I talk to my friends sometimes, we will touch on the topic of gay. They made fun of it, so did I. I really feel so guilty, guilty of myself everyday, being such a hypocrite. Why didn't I defend myself? I don't want to be exposed, at least before I've got the courage.
Sometimes it gets to me that if this carries on, I will be lonely, forever. No partners, no nothing, NOTHING! This is my greatest fear.
I want to indulge in a relationship, but yet I fear, fear of being cheated. I don't like being cheated, especially when I am just a dumb guy that gets cheated and taken in very easily.
I am tired of my life. I have no much more strength anymore. It just takes a confession to end this unbearable stress.
Why is god so unfair to me. Why am I made to suffer like I am. Hetrosexuals enjoy their lives like fuck, while I am left to suffer all my life, alone.
How would god ever be real, if he failed to heal my pain. I cannot change, but people said I can. How can I change, when I am, perfectly normal?
Stressed to the bone, would I just let out my cry this once, so I could break out of this never-ending maze, looking for a exit, to a brighter and newer life?
I guess you have at least heard of IndigNation. They have activities coming soon organised by them, and I wanted so much to go for them. Yet, I feel so confused. If I go for it, it is like exposing I am gay, and what if someone there knows about it and sees me there, what should I do? Hide?
I live in fear everyday, fear of someone finding out that I am gay, especially my parents. I never tested if they are homophobic, I just knew that they are open minded people.
I am so confused now. Sometimes I felt so much for suicide to end my damned life, but thinking of it, it was rather stupid I guess, because I myself have encouraged a friend before out of suicide because of her break up with her boyfriend.
"Since we are all gay, we are on the same boat, and I can help you," you might say, but I just feel so unsafe, with anyone, who knows if this person only cared about me for a one night stand, I don't want that.
I need friends, I have loads of hetrosexual ones, none homosexual. I am so sad really. Thinking that I am a gay makes me feel so awful.
As I talk to my friends sometimes, we will touch on the topic of gay. They made fun of it, so did I. I really feel so guilty, guilty of myself everyday, being such a hypocrite. Why didn't I defend myself? I don't want to be exposed, at least before I've got the courage.
Sometimes it gets to me that if this carries on, I will be lonely, forever. No partners, no nothing, NOTHING! This is my greatest fear.
I want to indulge in a relationship, but yet I fear, fear of being cheated. I don't like being cheated, especially when I am just a dumb guy that gets cheated and taken in very easily.
I am tired of my life. I have no much more strength anymore. It just takes a confession to end this unbearable stress.
Why is god so unfair to me. Why am I made to suffer like I am. Hetrosexuals enjoy their lives like fuck, while I am left to suffer all my life, alone.
How would god ever be real, if he failed to heal my pain. I cannot change, but people said I can. How can I change, when I am, perfectly normal?
Stressed to the bone, would I just let out my cry this once, so I could break out of this never-ending maze, looking for a exit, to a brighter and newer life?
posted by GayGuy at 1:47 AM
2 Comments:
my friend just sent me your blog. I read it, and again went through all the emotions that you are now going trough. Keeping secrets, feeling like shit, scared of what people might think, how they will disown you, and a general feeling of, well, crap. BUT I must tell you that it can and does get BETTER, believe it or not. If your friends don't like you because you are gay then they aren't really your friends. You might say "but they have been friends of mine for a long time, and well, I've been keeping a secret from them" well BIG DEAL. That is their problem not yours, if they are TRUE friends then they will understand and move on. Try talking to other people your age on line. There are THOUSANDS of others that are in your same situation. One thing to keep in mind is that your feelings come from the fact that you believe that being gay is a bad thing. This is not true. It is not any worst to be gay than to be left handed, or have blue eyes or to be tall. If you keep believing that it's bad to be gay then you will never feel better about yourself. Coming out takes time, and clearly you are on your way. Don't give up, the fun times are just around the corner!
Try to think optimistically. Do not think of death, please. You are being silly and foolish to think of that.
Btw, I'm from Singapore too. :)
Cheerio!
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