A testimony

Posted by: GayGuy

This contributor has been asked if she wants to reveal her identity, but did not make a reply.

This contribution has also been heavily edited, as the contributor wrote most parts of the post without capitialisation, proper sentences, short forms, and spelling mistakes.

I have tried as much as possible to keep the original meaning of this email.

From: *removed*@liquidcement.com
To: gay_2_d_bone@yahoo.com

Hi. I am not sure what your name is.

I was surfing the net and chanced upon your blog. I'm from City Harvest Church too and I used to be a lesbian myself too.

I guess all along, I was more guyish than girlish since young, but didn't know my behavior isn't really the norm compared to other gals. Anyway, I remembered telling myself and others that I will never become a lesbian but I fell into it at the later part of my secondary 3 life. I was from a girls school so to speak.

I got involved with my school team captain. I was the vice captain. Before I got into the relationship, I was really struggling to break free. Though I didn't read the rest of your blog, I understood what you meant when you said you wanted the people in church to understand.

It was especially tough because I came to church and got saved only in March, during the Easter period in secondary 3. So I didn't really build any meaningful or strong friendships that I can fall back on while facing this temptation.

I didn't know how to use the scriptures to defend myself. I didn't know how to pray. What I remembered was, for the next 3 months or so, I spent every night crying to God. I would play the little that I knew on my guitar and just cry out to God. I didn't know what to pray or what to say, so I just kept saying, "Jesus, take away this from me. It's getting really hard to bear..."

I guess I was too afraid to share with those in the cell group, and I ended up seeking advice from people who are already lesbians in my class. I am kinda like sealed my fate for the rest of the story.

They believed in God but didn't bother to persuade me out of it. Instead, they got real excited about me liking someone and tried to hook me up.

So I backslid after struggling to break free for months. No one knew why I backslid till my classmate (who brought me to church) found out that I was now attached to a gal. So anyway, I came back to church after the incident.

No one asked me to go back. Guess it was a hard and sensitive topic to talk about. I wanted to go back as I missed God. And so went through a lot of stuff before I managed to step into the church again.

I came back to church, my previous cell group member has risen up to become a cell group leader, leading the cell group am in. So she slowly opened up my life to share about the past. And I started to share bits and pieces of it.

To cut the story short, it took me 2 years in church to let it go to God. I was still affected and tempted time and again. I struggled to hide my past from my cell group members, and the things I faced in church. Yet, I knew they still loved me and wouldn't mind my past. I knew was my own barrier.

2 years later at a conference, I was really upset that day as it was supposed to be my "anniversary" date with her. I went for a church conference grudgingly and didn't listen to the sermon as well. But halfway through the sermon, God showed me a picture. Right in the middle of the preaching! I saw a broken and tattered heart being sewn back by a hand, and I heard God said, "I've sewn back your heart". I started to cry. I was very touched by God.

Fast forward 5 years later, which is this year, I won't call myself a lesbian anymore. I still do get tempted to go back to the previous lifestyle and once in a while, I can be moved by gals as well. I tried to believe that I was borned a male and not a female, and I tried to get my genes checked out too. I struggled with such thoughts every now and then.

I don't know if you still believe in Jesus now, but I really believe it is a choice we make. I used to think that perhaps, I should just leave church and become a lesbian for life, and that could really be my life. But I really feel it's more of a psychological, heart issue than our genetic makeup.

At the end of the day, we can argue all we want about us being born a gay or a lesbian, but a report once said, your body can never lie. If it's a girl, it's a girl. If it's a boy, it's a boy.

Right now, I'm a cell leader leading a group of young people. I have met many who are like me in the past as well. And now, I share my story and experience openly to those who wants to hear. I'm not saying I'm perfect now, because I do face temptations sometimes. That's how life should be.

But life is also a choice we choose to make.

Perhaps, you should try sharing with your closer friends in the cell group or you've made in church. It really helps to have friends in church or cell group to help you when dealing with this. I had my cell group leader who tried her best to help me, support me and encourage me.

Right now, I have a member who used to be a gay too. He shared openly about his past with me. I don't look down on him, but I watch out for him.

Pastor Sy Rogers said that we need to deal with our inner needs. Otherwise they will be manifested outwardly and we bear the brunt of it; the shame, the hurt and the guilt, and the helplessness.

I may be not into lesbianism now, but I still got to deal with it. He also said, the experience may be over, but there will and can still be residue in your life. Well, I do still have the residue in my life, but I don't allow it to dictate my life.

I'd better end here. I hope you've been blessed by my sharing. Look forward to your correspondence if you would like.


Be Blessed,
Someone Changed

I really appreciate someone having the same experiences sharing how her life was changed by a touch of God. Seriously, I am not jealous of her being a changed person, where I couldn't. I am happy for her that she's changed and no longer the same. If religion and God can seriously change a person like that, I would say that anyone should go for a try, or something like giving a chance to let God change you.

I am not sure if this contributor would like you to contact her if you would like a visit to her church, but I will be happy to convey the message. If you would like to visit her church, please feel free to contact me via my email: gay_2_d_bone@yahoo.com.

Alternatively, you can visit her church website at http://chc.org.sg for information about her church like the church's location, contact number and service times.

Other than that, please continue to submit your entries either to gay_2_d_bone@yahoo.com or you can directly submit your stories by leaving a comment in the most recent post, posting as an anonymous contributor. Your email address will be kept private. All contributor's real names are NOT required, unless specified by the contributor with written permission to reveal the identity.