"Dig out those insecurities."

Posted by: GayGuy

I am very pleased at the current rate this blog is going. I am receiving on average 1 email a day (which is so many for a start), where Singaporeans come out to share their stories, what they think, and how they feel.

It's rather funny to me but, sometimes I don't know if the person that emailed me wanted his her email to be posted here, as I got one email referring to my blog and how I feel, while giving his her comments. It's rather hard to differentiate between a commentary mail, and a contribution mail.

It's hard to describe how commentary this email is but here it is (THIS IS VERY LONG!):

This contributor has not chosen a preference of revealing his her identity and therefore it will be hidden.

From: *removed*@yahoo.com
To: gay_2_d_bone@yahoo.com

Hi Gay,

Saw your blog, and here are my immediate thoughts - hang on, it's a long email! =) But I mean well and I guess your writings touched something inside me to want to share the following...

It's hard to say, Hold Your Head Up High, to someone who's so obviously been hiding his, um, bone, for so long.

But if you really do feel 'gay to the bone' then perhaps it's time to dig out those insecurities and start diggin' (i.e. liking) your gayness.

That means making friends with other gays, and creating a safety zone where you are absolutely ONE OF US. People Like Us is not just blanket term used to include gays; it is a truly embracing and comforting way of saying, hey, you belong here. And by belonging here, you belong to society too. (Never mind that society can be blind and dumb and slow and old too boot - we're not here to judge them, we are here to lead our own lives to the brightest and best that we can.)

Anyway, my point is that I'm gay, I'm out, I stand for myself and my partner anywhere I go, be it to my family, colleagues or friends. I'm 28, and I became "aware" 4 years ago.

While you can't choose your family, you can however choose your environment. You are not alone! You are ONE of MANY! There are no reliable worldwide, much less Singaporean, statistics on homosexuals, but a conservative estimate is 1 in 20. Think about it and take a deep breath - that's 200,000 gays in Singapore alone!

If you narrow it down to specific environments and social circles (and as a human being, you choose these circles simply by which shops you go to, the public transport to take, what job you do, where you eat, which library or swimming pool or soccer group you choose), then the odds can be higher or lower.

In my previous job as a writer for a lifestyle magazine, I'd say my social gay environment was 1 out of every 5 (workwise). In my current job in a much larger hospitality organisation, it's probably 1 out of 40 (workwise). But I'm not fazed - perhaps thanks to my earlier exposure, I'm completely comfortable with who I am. I bring my partner to "married partners only" events - AFTER asking officially to be sure everyone knows that my SAME SEX partner and I are not legally married because we are discriminated against by the government. My organisation may be uncomfortable and unsure how to deal with it, but at least I'm making them think. And hell, I'm not even some big-time executive at top levels. But you know what? I'm just as human and as much an employee as anyone else.

At my favourite restaurant, there are 2 gay waitstaff. So at any given average time of 15 customers + 5 staff, that makes 3/20 = 15% gay. There, you've beaten the odds! And you're not even counting the variables - gay customers, closeted colleagues, etc.

But somehow I suspect this is not what you want to hear. You say you're alone, and obviously you're not. So what I think you really mean is that you are looking for a community (going back to what I said about a safety zone). Somewhere to make friends and not be taken advantage of and hurt. Most of all, you yearn for a partner in life.

Guess what? Same rules apply for homo and hetero here. Unless you have talent/beauty/wealth that fairly screams out to the world to be seen, no one is going to queue up and take you by the hand and give you a step by step orientation of the gay world (at least, without motive). A best friend may do that, but first you gotta go out and make friends with that person. And who knows, in a fairy tale, that person will be your soulmate and the one you belong with forever!

The more you surround yourself with PLU (yes, people like YOU), and PLU-friendly people, the higher your chances are of finding a small community of friends and supportive acquiantances (straight, gay or whatever) to call your own.

In Singapore though, the sense of disconnection and self-ishness is too strong, which kinda hinders a true motiveless selfless "community" from being naturally created. What we have now are: 1) nascent politically inclined groups that are fighting very hard for homosexual acts to be legally decriminalised (and note the wording - being gay is not a crime; having gay sex is a crime); and 2) social groups that bring gays together in a social environment where you don't ever have to explain to anyone that you like the same sex because it's so patently natural to us, and where you can let your guard down and simply be the self that you want to be (watching movies about a gay couple; winking at a guy and knowing you won't be punched or arrested) outside of a strict, unapproving society called Singapore.

When I first came to know some gay people in Singapore, I was in despair of ever finding a "true" group of friends to hang with, and who were more than being just party friends. I looked really hard for a community, and then I found one online (RedQueen - for women only). After about a year of reading and listening and understanding, I finally realised that true community begins with yourself. It takes some time, but you need to start with opening yourself up, and learning what YOU are. If you decide you don't want to be hurt, then go ahead and set those boundaries! NO one night stands, no falling for the playboy expatriate, no guilty sex with someone even needier than you, etc. Just don't go too far and set those boundaries so far deep that no one knows you or get to make friends with you. Respect your own boundaries, and let yourself loose with others - if dancing at a party and someone grabs your crotch, smile graciously and turn the situation around (dance closely but no touching/ butt him away with your butt, etc) but hell - KEEP DANCING. That's the thing about life - if you stop the music (learning, experiencing), you stop living.

Again, you're never alone. I have many lovely gay guy friends who don't want to have flings, are decent and loyal and funny and smart, loves a good night out listening to jazz or going to the beach or simply just going to the gym to take care of their bodies (not to cruise), and geez, you guys are all looking for the same thing. So it's not about being alone or isolated, it's really about chemistry and getting along and having friend-making skills. And that's called life skills. Being gay just makes us a little more resourceful, more aware of the bigger issues in life (makes us smarter, I'd say!) but it shouldn't give us a full stop on living a great, fulfilling life!

By the way, "Hetrosexuals enjoy their lives like fuck" is truly as discriminating as anyone can get. You are generalising so much! They are just as prone to the same feelings of aloneless, etc.

This is probably too much to say in one introductory email! But I really hope maybe I've cheered you up a little at least and made some sense.

I'm not going to say I understand fully where you are in life and how to lead it - just want to say, give life and love a chance, and throw it a bone! You'll dig the results, really.

Have a great day!

If you are sending in emails as commentary not for blog publishing, I will be pleased to see a note.

Anyway, about this email, thank you for your contribution and your time, because I know, that to type anything at this length is certainly hard work. I know that limiting the amount of words may turn counter-productive, therefore I threw the idea out the moment I thought of it's effects.

Though I am not too sure about the part you said about the "crotch", but what you said was well said. In Singapore, there are baby steps a gay or bisexual needs to take. The first thing is that we should not be ashamed about ourselves and who we are, and in fact we should bring in some more courage to accept the facts about yourself, and you are out of that boundary. The second, which is the toughest, is the step of coming out. I am at this stage now and I guess I am still a "baby in queer", as I would call it.

The third, is to fight against all odds to go towards social acceptance. As you know the Singapore government adheres to a strict censorship rule towards all content of gay related articles, films, etc. To add to the fire, an often hidden, but clear discrimination to the gay community is present everywhere. Be it in the TV serials you watch, or the papers you read. All government controlled. All somewhat homophobic.

I will not go out to comment all about the Singapore government because it may lead into counter-productive results.

I have personally posted my story in online forums, the plight of homosexuals and bisexuals in Singapore, and the homophobic"ness" of the government controlled press. The respond wasn't sympathy. They expressed disgust, hate, and one in particular said the he was sick of the "discrimination stories and lies when you people (homosexuals) can just stop living this alternative lifestyle".

I can totally understand that. That was where the power of the Singapore government has went.

While being gay in Singapore doesn't really feel like being gay in America, Canada, Japan or even China, heck the laws, homosexual related laws that is. I realised that what I needed now was a good companionship with a circle of homosexuals alike.

Only with good companies can I get a true relationship, and coming out to my family and friends takes a big part in it.

There isn't much I can comment about this great contributor, and I guess he have hit the jackpot. Nevertheless, you can submit your entries either to gay_2_d_bone@yahoo.com or you can directly submit your post by leaving a comment in the most recent post, posting as an anonymous contributor. Your email address will be kept private. All contributor's real names are NOT required, unless specified by the contributor with written permission to reveal the identity.