Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Homosexual teenagers

Posted by: GayGuy
This is an email sent on the 30th of October.

From: Lim
To: gay_2_d_bone@yahoo.com

I came across your blog some days ago, and decided that I had a need to email to you.

I'm a gay teen, in one of the junior colleges in Singapore. It has been tough living as a homosexual, so to those all out there, here are some pats for living it up in our punishing conservative Asian society.

I will like to talk about my homosexual experience.

Perhaps it all started during puberty when curiosity really killed the cat. The inquisitive nature to find out all about dick lengths and whether I was normal made me got hooked to surfing pornography, and I guess it all started there.

Yet many a times, I hated myself for who I was. The issue has always received the thumbs-down during every family dinner conversation. Being a rather popular dancer in school, it will be disastrous if my friends ever discover the 'dark' side of me, or so it seems, if it is indeed an evil repercussion of choosing the wrong pathes and surfing the wrong sites. Yet my friends have time and again questioned my sexuality, asking whether I had any flaws in my lifestyle. They couldn't understand why I can be so gentlemanly & sensitive to guys and girls (a starking trait I find in almost all gays) and well, the ability to entertain (like to sing and dance). I'm not a narcissist, trying to promote that I'm an outstanding student. I have flaws like a short fuse, a boastful and insensitive side, as well as an effeminate nature which, thank God, has changed due to His mercy after salvation.

I hated being homosexual. I couldn't understand why I had to be gay. I couldn't even try to stop looking at guys. Every visit to Cineleisure will see my gaze moving from the attempted peer at our female counteparts to the akward gawks at beefcakes across the road at the Carlifornia gym. I felt it would be devastating if my homophobic pals ever had to chance to sniff out my 'horrible' nature.

I had my first sexual encounter which I can never forget. I had consensual sex with this guy whom I met on the net 2 years ago. Not that I was so into sex, but I was keen to experiment all that I had seen from all the net clips. I didn't enjoy sex at all. It was really millions of thoughts running through my mind. I felt so confused and alone. It left a deep spiritual cut in my heart. I never even check out whether I got Aids from him, because I was afraid of the truth. I was alone and scared. Somehow, I felt raped, even though it was consensual sex. I stopped all interactive sexual activities with men from then all, hoping that I will turn heterosexual and become 'normal' one day.

It never happened. Once again, the familiar stares at cute boys or hot hunks, everywhere and anywhere possible, happened again. & visits to public pools just to peek at hot bods. Seducing, or attempting to seduce guys everywhere. I know what I had done contradicted to all my beliefs in Christ - something which meant breaking the Law, about not committing adultery, through lusts in the heart.

Yet I was scared to confess. I was alone. I have never visited sgboys.com, nor fridae.com till I stumbled upon your site since my sexual awakening, because of my denials. I thought if I ever ask fellow gays about my sexuality, they will further confirm that I'm a homosexual, once and forever. And my guy-buddies are sure to turn a blind eye to me if they discover my sexuality. I told my female classmates that I was gay, who quickly dismissed it can never be possible, perhaps because of my huge denials, cover-ups, the change from effeminate nature, and perhaps I was someone they thought unlikely to be homo in this society.

Yet, through your blog, I feel the need to address this once and for all. I care less that my A levels are just round the corner (it's just 2 weeks away). Yet my sexuality is for life, at least in flesh on Earth. I guess I have to face this once and for all. I've prayed many times and asked God to answer me. I know He will definitely answer me, through all these evaluations and dissemination of information over the net. I know I must confess one day. The stress of denial is taking a toll on me, ever since I started denying my sexuality in my jc days.

I admit I'm homosexual. I didn't like sex - without love, like my first encounter. All these secrets - only God and you all know. I really have no idea what my friends will react if I ever spill the beans at this crucial moment. I pray for all of us to know the Truth one day, and to all readers, God bless, for I guess it's God's will that I'm here, having the courage to post up my pent-up frustrations. So long, farewell, and take good care.

To the author, thanks for putting up a blog for enlightening all of us. God bless. Oh, you can check for all spelling errors + edit them. My G.P is gross. It's super horrendous.
I personally loved this piece a lot. His story could somehow relate to my life and my personal experiences - just that I didn't have sex before 16.

Then again, sorry for the loss of updates recently, as this piece of email came in some time ago.

Thank you for your contribution.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Leaving home

Posted by: Zee
This letter, from Germany, came in nearly month ago. It raises an issue which I'm sure have been on the minds of many Singaporeans, whether straight or gay, and highlights one of the reasons why "quitters" (to quote from the then-PM), though probably a small number, exist.
Minor short forms have been corrected.

From: An older Singaporean gay
To: gay_2_d_bone@yahoo.com

Hi everyone, I caught on to this site because my niece told me about it. She's a fantastic girl of 19 and when we recently spoke to each other, she told me about a school friend of hers who was going through his coming out phase.

I'm a 37-year-old Singaporean gay guy who left home and everything I knew and had at the age of 21. Now I am residing in Germany. When I read what "Dead Gay Walking" wrote, it threw me back into my younger days there.

It seems like even though life there is much open than before, society refuses to change with time. Being a Muslim myself and coming from the strictest sort of Muslim families, The Arabs, you can imagine that life there wasn’t a bed of roses for me too.

I left Singapore in 1989 and so did many of my gay friends. We go back there once in a while but every time we are there, we can’t wait to get on the next flight to get back home (here in Europe). Without trying to sound too pessimistic, I doubt that the attitude in Singapore will change much because of the influence that religion has on the people. When I graduated from Victoria Junior College in 1987 and wanted to study to become a teacher, my girlfriend, Sandra, told me to pack my bags and get the hell out of Singapore because she said as a teacher, I would loose everything when they find out I am gay, especially since I am the sort who never hid his homosexuality.

My family knew I was gay since I was 6 years old and ever since, that bumpy road only got ruddier. At 19, I couldn’t take it anymore and confessed to my sis on a Tuesday evening, "I wanna leave home next Monday." She said, "Why wait till Monday? Why not go tomorrow?" I did just that and 16 years later, I never regretted for a second that decision.

I would like to say, if any of you gays see no chance of a peaceful life back there, save up and get plans for another life some where. It is a big world and there is so much beautiful gay life out there. There is nothing noble in life when you lead a life of self-denial and not being able to be who you are hope that your generation in Singapore would make life easier for you but it doesn’t seem to be that way.

There are so many places in this world where gays are respected and we don't need to spend any more time in the closet. Germany, Holland, Australia, France, Spain, the States and, and, and....Have a holiday somewhere and let your eyes be opened to a beautiful life. Be willing. Be brave! But whatever you want to have, don't expect an immediate smooth ride there.

In London, I met a nice Singaporean Drag Queen named Madame Jojo. She gave me the most important advice for my gay life. She said (excuse this language but I wanna quote her exact words and translate it later)

"lf you wanna suck a cock, suck the right one"

What she meant was, if you wanna do something, do it right.

Please. All of you out there, being gay is not a disease; it is a lifestyle and an admirable one. So, get out there and be a part of this lifestyle.

An older Singaporean gay.
Thank you for your email. Each time a contribution comes in, the subject matter is almost always something fresh. The above highlighted migration; packing our bags and getting out of a country in which you feel repressed.

Most of my friends both straight and gay have expressed, to some extent, a desire to leave Singapore. I, myself, am toying with the idea of being educated in a foreign university, preferably Australian or Canadian and starting life anew there, or using it as a base for another country.

In the face of adversity and the speed of which globalisation is occurring, migration is a very realistic option for those who have enough resources. From my point of view, it is futile to live and contribute to a society, which views homosexuality and not homophobia as an issue.

Being in a country where gay people are more accepted than Singapore changes your perspective. I gained the courage to come out of the closet a day after returning from Bangkok when my travel dates coincided with Fridae.com’s Squirt in Bed party held in April. My gaydar was hardly up but it seemed, gay asia had descended on the Thai capital. Everywhere I turned, attractive gay men walked by. Seeing them in numbers, in such an unrestricted environment opened up my eyes.

I realised, this is who I am and that I can't keep lying to myself and suppressing what comes naturally to me.

I departed from Bangkok on Thai Airways with a coming out pecking order in mind starting from the most to the least important.

The very next day, I came out to my gay brother.

Though I was barely there for a week, having a visual representation of other gay people and knowledge that I need not live out the miserable life as I previously thought fuelled my drive to find acceptance within myself. If I were to have moved or raised elsewhere, without the presence of criminalizing laws for sexual acts even between two consenting males and the nagging reminder that my parents might one day, find out, I would’ve probably been a different person today.

"If you want to suck a cock, suck the right one." Goes the piece of advice. If migration is on your mind, there are various issues you have to look into. Among them are resources like money, your employability, a roof over your head and it probably wouldn’t hurt if you have contacts and a barrel of courage.

It can be viewed in two ways: As a form of running away from your homeland where you could stay and assert your rights, or giving yourself a chance to chase that dream and make new ones. It all depends how rooted you are to your country and family.

Family ties are a strong factor at the event of migration. It could act as a deterrent, at a certain level and yet be the determining factor when your patience snaps and you start throwing clothing articles into the bag.

I happen to belong to the former group. I told my siblings the other day that migration is a highly possible option for me.

"But we'll miss you." They said.

I should add too, that I'm out to them.

I echo "An Older Singaporean Gay's" sentiments that the world is not constrained to this little island. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay, but seeing the environment in which Singaporean teenagers are brought up in, I'm not surprised many of them go through a thought phase in which being gay is "wrong".

For those who think migration is a completely far out idea which you can only dream of, my word of advice is to accept yourself and be who you are to the best of your ability. Do NOT let the environment and people stifle your sense of identity. You are who you are and you should never apologise for it.