Sunday, July 31, 2005

Hurt once, hurt forever

Posted by: GayGuy
I had once became a Christian. I was so obsessed with fulfilling the purposes of God, serving in ministries in Church, which was the well reckoned City Harvest Church located in Jurong West Street 91.

Being in a church very much against homosexuality, I have never revealed that I'm gay to anyone. They hold a stand that they are against homosexuality, but very willing to help, and thus claim that they love homosexuals by person, hate homosexuality by sin.

They conducted very few services preaching sermons dealing with the topic of homosexuality. Once, they invited Sy Rogers, a previously gay person that claimed that he have been molested by his uncle in his young age, and managed to "change" into a "normal" heterosexual.

Married, he is currently with children.

I mean, I AM BORN like that. How do you expect me to change. I really cannot change, and people can't always keep condemning people that cannot change.

Sad and disappointed with the church itself, I left after about 2 years. I felt I haven't gotten anything out of it, and I haven't changed a single bit.

Sy Rogers may be changed, because he was not gay by nature. He was gay because he was psychologically hurt at a young age, and therefore became gay, bearing a wound inside him.

I AM NOT. I believe I am born like that. I feel so stupid while during the time in Christ where I tried very hard to change, and even prayed to God about it. Nothing changed. Nothing.

I really want to hear from you if you have similiar experiences. I really feel like dedicating this blog to all the people out there that has yet come out of the closet, or has already come out of it. I will really like to hear from anyone, even if you aren't gay, or you are not from Singapore. The most I want to hear from are people living in Singapore and are gay.

Mail in your letters to: If you feel uncomfortable revealing your email address to me, post a comment on my posts, and remember to select as an anonymous poster. Please also leave behind your nationality, and a nickname.


Saturday, July 30, 2005

My gay relationship is a guessing game

Posted by: GayGuy
Sometimes when I am out, like you and I, I always look around for cute guys. This was the most I do, and nothing further than that.

As I look at guys, whether on the bus, in the train, or on the streets, I will keep a clear distance for me to look at them. If they tend to be too near to me, and irresistible to look at, I will look at them at long time intervals, and sometimes even lose the courage to look all by itself.

Well, you must be able to tell that I am very desperate, everyday.

I really felt very bad for this once that I looked at a guy whom was standing in the train, and I am not very sure if he had the same interests with me.

Comfortably seated down, this cute chinese guy steps in the train and stood beside the door. He had a great bod and I was sucked into his mesmerising eyes.

I looked and looked, but I was not sure if he noticed it at the time. Suddenly, he just began to shift his vision towards my direction, looking directly at me! Shocked, I immediately shifted my eyes to look at the floor instead.

I was so surprised. After about a few seconds, I sensed that he have shifted his eye back to other places. Then I thought, "Oh, it was nothing."

Slowly again, I went back to looking at him with very small and careful stares. I also noticed something interesting. He did the same thing to me and looked at me with small and careful stares. I felt, maybe, there is something that attracted us together.

Being the shy me, I did not take any approach to at least smile at him.

I have finally arrived at my stop after the long journey and the eye feast. I went over to the door where he was standing, and DARED NOT LOOKED AT HIM! Yet, I kept the vision of him at the corner of my eyes and somehow felt that he was looking at me directly.

I felt very bad upon alighting. Why did I not at least give a happy look at him so that perhaps he will get the hint and alight with me.

I feel so lonely as I walked home. I really felt so bad and bursting out with tears all together.

Where will my Mr. Right be? Will I ever meet one in my life? Am I EVER going to have the courage to come out?


About me

Posted by: GayGuy
I really felt as if my whole sexuality is crashing down on me. I very much believed that homosexuality is a normal thing, but yet I am still trapped in the closet, not knowing how, when to come out of it.

I guess you have at least heard of IndigNation. They have activities coming soon organised by them, and I wanted so much to go for them. Yet, I feel so confused. If I go for it, it is like exposing I am gay, and what if someone there knows about it and sees me there, what should I do? Hide?

I live in fear everyday, fear of someone finding out that I am gay, especially my parents. I never tested if they are homophobic, I just knew that they are open minded people.

I am so confused now. Sometimes I felt so much for suicide to end my damned life, but thinking of it, it was rather stupid I guess, because I myself have encouraged a friend before out of suicide because of her break up with her boyfriend.

"Since we are all gay, we are on the same boat, and I can help you," you might say, but I just feel so unsafe, with anyone, who knows if this person only cared about me for a one night stand, I don't want that.

I need friends, I have loads of hetrosexual ones, none homosexual. I am so sad really. Thinking that I am a gay makes me feel so awful.

As I talk to my friends sometimes, we will touch on the topic of gay. They made fun of it, so did I. I really feel so guilty, guilty of myself everyday, being such a hypocrite. Why didn't I defend myself? I don't want to be exposed, at least before I've got the courage.

Sometimes it gets to me that if this carries on, I will be lonely, forever. No partners, no nothing, NOTHING! This is my greatest fear.

I want to indulge in a relationship, but yet I fear, fear of being cheated. I don't like being cheated, especially when I am just a dumb guy that gets cheated and taken in very easily.

I am tired of my life. I have no much more strength anymore. It just takes a confession to end this unbearable stress.

Why is god so unfair to me. Why am I made to suffer like I am. Hetrosexuals enjoy their lives like fuck, while I am left to suffer all my life, alone.

How would god ever be real, if he failed to heal my pain. I cannot change, but people said I can. How can I change, when I am, perfectly normal?

Stressed to the bone, would I just let out my cry this once, so I could break out of this never-ending maze, looking for a exit, to a brighter and newer life?