Monday, September 26, 2005

Being gay = More contributions to society?

Posted by: GayGuy
When I received this email from someone who did not state if he wished to be identified, I felt confused, happy, encouraged and angry, all mixed together.

Read on and you will get what I mean:
This is an email sent on the 19th of September. Some minor short-forms has been corrected.

From: *removed*

Hi, this is *removed* who saw the website on Chubsg forum [Link].

To me, I feel that the growth of gay population would witness the drop in population because gay couples cannot help to accelerate the birth rates.

To make it up, I feel that members of the gay community in the community services should help out in programs that encourage straight couples to have more than just 1 or 2 kids in their family.

Also, because gays are not able to contribute to the increase in birth rates, they should make it up by contributing to societies by doing extra on their part in compensation in whatever areas they can.

My suggestion, I know may cause mixed feelings, but it is worth considering and I gladly accept your suggestions or opinions as to what I propose here.

Doing the extra bit for society should not be taken as a pressure but as a pleasure that gays are contributing more than others to the Nation! This is also a positive publicity for gays to clear some public misconceptions that gays are giving societies more problems with their loose morals and multiple sex partners as well as preference for One Night Stand in their open relationship type of lifestyle.

Best wishes!
The title of this email message reads: "Gladly Accept Your Suggestions (G.A.Y.S.)".

I am glad that you expressed your concern for us being unable to contribute to society in terms of Singapore’s birth rate, as we are homosexuals. The words you used, as you have predicted, aroused mixed emotions in me. I was quite shocked at the amount of misunderstanding expressed, although it oddly seems pro-homosexual.

Of course, I would like to encourage everyone reading this post to contribute to society, in any way we can, whether queer or not. There are a lot of homosexuals, just like you and me, living normal lives. I don't believe that our sexual preference should act as a determinant to whether or not we should serve in the community. I took part in voluntary work during the December 2004 Tsunami crisis, working as a packager for publicly donated items. I helped them prepare the items for shipping and it never did occur to me once that I am serving them as a gay individual.

To me, the letter sounded more like a bad ST Forum letter. I am not sure about your argument: "I feel that the growth of gay population would witness the drop in population because gay couples cannot help to accelerate the birth rates."

While it is undeniable that the gay population cannot contribute to the rise of birth rates, you seem to be implying that "being gay" is a genetic trait, rather than an individual's upbringing, where it is not affiliated with their parent's genetic makeup. The ubiquitous question of ‘nature’ versus ‘nurture’ remains.

I believe that doing community work is something that is self-driven, and you did state that it was not something that should be forced out of people. Doing countless good deeds to show others what we have done might be counter-productive, though I do understand that wasn’t your intention. Taking in consideration that homosexuality has always been the victim of careless criticism; the community’s efforts might not be taken seriously and objectives, unmet.

Public misconceptions are prevalent, as people often associate gay men with drag queens, transvestites, sissies, or just ‘gay’ with images of effeminate men in mind. Butches on the other hand are represented as “beer-bingeing” women, if a certain article from the English daily is to be quoted.

I do hope that the homosexuals and heterosexuals alike can cross that boundary of even having to name our sexual orientation at all. These terms, just like ethnic divisions, separates us, driving a wedge in society and causing good friendships to become distant, or even break apart.

I believe you have submitted this letter to us with good intentions, but I hope you do get what I have said in this post. Thank you for your letter, and we look forward to getting responses from everyone, including anonymous readers. We will be "Gladly Accept[ing] Your Suggestions" too. If you are new here and would like to have your say, click here to find out how you can reach us.
Thank you for your contribution.


Thursday, September 22, 2005

We want to hear from you

Posted by: Zee
Have something to say? Email all your stories/comments to us at or post as Anonymous on the comments section if anonymity is preferred. Your identity and personal information like email addresses and/or names will be NOT divulged unless otherwise stated if the chosen medium is via email. Your privacy is our biggest concern. You do not have to be gay or lesbian to send in your contributions, and neither do you need to have perfect English.

We'd like to hear from heterosexual people too, especially if you have friends or family members who are gay and the various episodes you have been through. Likewise, if you have read a letter here and have strong views, do send them in. We repeat that this blog does not belong to any of us but to everyone who is struggling with his/her sexuality or seeking a deeper understanding of sexual minorities.

If you are new, do take a look at previous letters. All types of submissions are welcome, be they coming out stories, finding self-acceptance or views you have which you wish to make known.

Thank you for all your contributions, and do keep them coming in.

The editors

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

When you're not gay porn material

Posted by: Zee
This is an email sent on the 18th of September

From: Anonymous

I really should be studying for an exam now, but reading through this project of yours gives me a stirring in my heart, because there aren’t many platforms for young gay people like us to actively discuss things beyond “oh my GAWD, he’s so cute!”. Sgboy and Fridae have their rational limits, after which the whole thing seems to devolve into an online meat-market- a giant Lonely Hearts thingamajig of the bendy sort. This blog combines two elements crucial to gay teens: The gay bit, and the teen bit: angst and all. It’s important, because the above sites marginalize those amongst us who aren’t living Adonises, if you catch my drift.

Having grown up with nothing but Sgboy to guide me through my “gay awakening”, I’ve realized that it takes a lot of positive self-esteem to come to terms with your sexuality within yourself, and then to tell others about it. That’s because it’s so hard to imagine yourself in a world of sex, boyfriends and other phallus-centric escapades when you’re nothing close to the Hotbods paraded for general viewing pleasure on sites like Sgboy. To my understanding, at least, you need to look gay to be gay, and by looking gay, I mean you’ve gotta be one of either Cute, Good-Looking, or Hot. Of all my gay friends, only the good looking ones are ‘active’ in every sense of the word, and the rest of us just bask in their lives of one night stands, gorgeous boyfriends and the rest of the drill. To them, at least, there’s relatively little trouble telling the world and anyone who cares to know about their preferences, because they fit right into the lifestyle, they epitomize the lifestyle, and they embrace it. Even if they find rejection amongst their family members, there’s always a gay culture that helps them bounce back.

What, then, of the marginalized? Chubs like me, people with “less than average looks”, nerds, geeks? I’ve had no trouble accepting the fact that I’m gay, because I’ve got great gay friends who make it that more colourful, but I’ve never come close to feeling like I’m remotely part of it. I cannot imagine myself with a guy in any measure of time, I don’t see myself fitting in with the gay lifestyle, even though it seems familiar (but only in the things I read or hear about.) I accept my sexuality but I cannot imagine myself being gay as the gay world defines it. And that’s ‘cuz I have such a terribly low self-esteem as a result of my chubbiness. I chose not to fill up the “preferred role” portion of my Boyfiles profile, because I can’t imagine myself in that position, pun wholly unintended. Something inside tells me that I can’t live out my sexuality, and sometimes I feel that gay culture enforces that.

I don’t think I am alone in this, there are loads of people who aren’t comfortable with their bodies, their looks, and who stumble at the same crossroads: being gay but not being able to do anything about it. The best I can hope for is someone who looks beyond physical appearances, who, in all cliché, likes me for “who I am”. But until someone comes along to re-affirm that, I think it’s tough being fat and gay, because there’s too much self-conscious clutter in the way. The only advice I can give myself, and those in a similar situation, is to not be cynical, because if you have it in yourself to find someone attractive beyond his looks, there’s very likely someone else out there who’s willing to do the same with you. At least that’s what I hope for the one person I seem to be madly in love with, anyway. In the meantime, I need to drown myself in self-deprecating humour, paradoxical as that may sound to my plight.

Drama mama, eh?
First of all, excellent submission which I'm sure touches the hearts of many out there reading. My response to this submission is late because I thought it deserved to be thoroughly thought out before being published. As a new editor, when I first stumbled upon this project, I thought, "Finally! A place for gay teenagers to consolidate our thoughts and be heard by ourselves and other people. What the writer wrote above is true, because Sgboy and Fridae do not cater to gay teenagers and the reality we have to face upon acknowledging that we're different from the rest. Where do young people like us turn to? Aside from sgboy's forums which I think are hardly effective because of the availability of pictures of members in various states of undress and compromising positions, there is none that I know of.

Secondly, I assert my stand that to be gay is simply to be attracted to the same sex. Thus, to look attractive has nothing whatsoever to do with being a gay male, though I understand fully why this likening is made. Like I said above, it is thanks (or rather, no thanks) to those 2 websites above for promoting this superficial side of people. Even among the straight population, people are superficial by nature. It is evident isn't it, when people of both sexes verbally express their attraction?

I have arrived at your junction once, and moved on. I asked myself, "Is this all there is to being gay? Where are the gay intellectuals? Where are the other gay men who's lives do not seemingly revolve around sex and the gym? Am I doomed to this "lifestyle" if I'm gay?"

If you noticed, I insisted on placing the word 'lifestyle' in open inverted commas for I felt it is the individual's preferance on what his lifestyle is. It is a common misperception that the gay man's lifestyle is to be sleeping around, go clubbing, bring home random men and have sex when you don't even know their names. But zoom out a little and view it from the bigger picture and a different angle. Straight men go clubbing too to pick up girls for just sex don't they? They have one night stands with women they don't know too don't they? And do they call it their straight lifestyle? No.

I live my life in any way I like. I play the violin, I write poetry. I listen to jazz, I go kayaking, I hang out with my friends, gay and straight and have a good time, and that's my lifestyle. Insert the "gay" prefix if you wish and call it my "gay lifestyle". The important thing to note here is that just because you, and I are gay, doesn't mean we have to follow that track. What makes us different from heterosexuals is that we happen to like others of the same sex, thats all. You are part of the gay community even though you don't live out that lifestyle.

I'm glad you are beginning to question the superficiality of the situation. It sounds like you'll live a meaningful and inspiring life ahead.

I have scouted for helpful resources which might be of interest to you and others out there. They are listed below:

Activity groups

A non-profitable group of GLBTS (Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals ,Transgender & Straight) based in Singapore looking for sports, adventure and nature conservation.

Men after work
Organises activities for Gays and Lesbians in Singapore, to build support, friendship and to promote positive lifestyle for the community living and travelling here.

Pelangi Pride Centre
A community space and resource centre for sexual minorities in Singapore


A charitable pro-people pro-family sexuality affirming counseling and personal development agency. They specialize in gender, sexuality, identity and relationship issues particularly for lesbian gay bisexual and transgendered (“LGBT”) individuals and communities.

The Looking Glass
The Looking Glass is a RedQuEEn! counselling service comprising of trained women volunteers who believe in the importance of choice. Their aim is to provide free counselling, information and support without prejudice to women who may have questions about their sexuality, gender identity or sexual orientation.

For Christians

As-Salam Singapore
For Muslims

For Buddhists

My sincere thanks to Juliana Toh from the Counseling & Care Centre for the links above. For ways to contribute, click here. And if you do have other links and/or resources, please do not hesitate to inform us. Thank you.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Family matters

Posted by: Zee
A big, warm thank you to those of you who have contributed their emails, stories and even short comments on this blog. The first email we received after being publicised over at is from Sotong.
This is an email sent by Sotong in the 17th of September

From: Not Applicable

Hi Editors,

Well, just got your link via

Being a gay man myself of 30+ years of age, I am quite sure I understand many issues that gay men in Singapore face. However, I do not proclaim that I understand every thing or know how every gay man feels and thinks.

I am out to my group of close friends, gay and straight, and had very good experiences with integrating with the world that I am close to. My boyfriend and I have been going on holiday trips with my straight friends, spending our weekends just like normal, even with their kids and such.

I guess there are more and more homepages and blogs on homosexuals in Singapore, and I keep one myself (though I really don't update it that regularly, sometimes just couldn't think of what to say on issues on homosexuality. I want to keep my blog to be exclusively talking about gay issues rather than "Today I brushed my teeth and went shopping" kind of diary. It is in at

My coming out stories aren't that dramatic or great, as almost all my coming out has been met with acceptance. (Or maybe I planned it that way). I haven't come out to my family.

I just wanted to write a word of encouragement to both of you, (from what I read, I assume that you guys are younger?) in living your life fully as a gay man. And dedicating so much of your time to what I think is a good social cause, putting voices together in one place.

Oh, I would very much like to recommend a site (if you have not already known about it) for you to link to. It is not a primary homosexual site (as the author also deals with political and social issues and other articles) but it has a great deal of objective arguments, articles and information which I feel many people would benefit from them , gay or straight. It is

All the best!
Thank you Sotong for your email.

For someone who has yet to go through adult gay-related problems, it is very heartening to read that Sotong's friends have accepted him for being who he is, even to the extent of going on holiday trips with their kids.

For someone who grew up in Singapore, where the climate here is anything but gay-friendly on the surface, I've hardly heard of positive stories about gay people that involve families. This submission by Sotong has thrown light, allowing all of us to explore what really is out there, through real stories and real people, and not the stunted reporting as done by mainstream media.

One of my concerns, which I realised were unfounded, in coming out to my sister who has a toddler, was that she would treat me differently after knowledge that I'm gay has sunk in. I wondered if she thought I would have an influence over such a young mind, and perhaps, "turn him gay".

It turns out, I was wrong. When I came out to her, she said it simply felt like a revelation which was neither positive nor negative. Nothing has changed between me, her and my nephew. In fact, I feel as if we are much closer for I'm able to relate to her parts of my life which I was previously unable to do so.

I used to lie a lot to other people, my siblings especially since they're always the people I come home to. When I meet up for dinner with my sister to share stories, I used to conjure fictitious female names out of thin air when I tell her I went out with "someone". My dates had names like Fiona, Celeste and Sarah - when really... they were men. Now and then, I had to field awkward questions when she asks, "So what happened to so-and-so you went out with the other day?" To which I'd make up another story to describe how I lost interest.

All these awkward moments where I had to stare into my food and not look at her while making up the stories are gone. I realised the bond between us grew stronger and I've spent more time with my nephew than I ever used to. In short, my worries, though valid, were nothing but a mere dramatisation of reality.

It is also nice to note that Sotong's coming out experiences do not involve much drama, but instead, acceptance. The same goes to mine, though the first expression is usually that of shock.

Before I come out to someone, I make sure I have the scene rehearsed in my head, and in doing so, prepare myself to lose him/her. Heterosexual males were the most difficult for most of them deem gay men to be of a less masculine breed.

All of them have gradually accepted me, and to my surprise, even my straight guy friends I'm on good terms with asked about my "dates".

Over coffee one day, I told one of my guy friends, "You know, I'm surprised you didn't react aversely to me."

He smiled, "I think most people would quietly accept gay people. It's just the small minority who don't and they happen to be more vocal about it."

What he said, the way he said it and the tone of voice which projected such sincerity carved those words in my mind. Each time I read homophobic comments, the words ring once more in my head.

I'd like to thank Sotong for his excellent letter and words of encouragement. To find out how you can contribute, click here. Do bear in mind that your privacy is our biggest concern and no identities or personal information will be divulged unless you wish so.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Ways you can contribute

Posted by: GayGuy
I would like to thank the editors over at for featuring this blog. I would like to take this opportunity to highlight the ways you can contribute your submissions.

If you are new to this website, you may want to take a look at previous submitted letters. After which, if you would like your story heard too, please mail your letters to Alternatively, if you wish to remain totally anonymous, you may leave an anonymous comment in the most recent post of this blog, posting as an anonymous user.

Email addresses will be kept private if you choose to send an email. Your identity or other personal information will not be revealed unless you state so.

We really need your help to make this a success as we have been receiving a low amount of contributions lately. Together with your contributions, we can then use them to encourage those still in the closet, and educate those that are interested to know.

Thank you very much.

Friday, September 09, 2005

We've got a new editor

Posted by: GayGuy
I don't really accept anyone as an editor, only those whom I trust. I need assurance that the person can take ownership of this blog, to manage it, and most of all, write logical arguments.

To date, I have come out to 3 people, of which I knew through this blog. I am greatly impressed at my own courage.

Again, I am still a student. I cannot juggle my personal blog concurrently with this one. I need someone to help me with this. Fortunately, a new friend of mine sent me an e-mail about his blog, and just like how I started out, he had the same "About me" post, that described our own experiences.
This is a coming out story extracted from the blog: Rose tinted lenses. Reproduced with permission.

From: Not applicable

As a gay teenaged Singaporean, coming out to myself and my social orb is a string of events, like pearls on a necklace. Each pearl is as beautiful as the last, yet unique in its own ways. Hung around with pride around a beautiful feminine neck, I intend to charge forth, into the unknown darkness of life clutching tightly to my pearl necklace.

Coming out to the world is something I knew would happen sooner or later. I'm 18, going on 19 in September. I have an older brother, aged 25 and elder sister, aged 24 and a younger sister, 15. All of them know I'm gay.

It was a step I knew I had to take, especially towards my brother for he, himself, is gay.

One day after returning from Bangkok on a short 4 day getaway with my sister, I texted my brother telling him I needed to speak to him urgently and that we meet up. He called me up sounding flustered and demanded I tell him what it was.

I tried resisting. I really did.

Until I blurted out, "I'm gay."


I strained my ears over the cordless phone to hear his breathing. I expected his reaction to be that of shock and surprise, but being gay himself, I thought he would've been able to accept it faster than anyone else.

He was the third person I came out to, and the first person I said to verbally that I'm gay. The previous 2 were female friends, one of whom is a former lesbian and now bisexual (even though I'm gay, I think she drips with sexual appeal). I came out to them, of all ways, by typing the words on my cellphone. I couldn't say the words, "I'm gay."

"Oh my god why are you saying these things?" my brother asked. His voice was curt, cold. The voice of a person in shock and negative disbelief.

I closed my eyes. A tear seeped out of my left eye and took a deep breath to compose myself, "Because its true. Will it be a problem?"

"I don't know what to say. How many people know?"

"2, now you, 3."

Silence. A long deafening one that urged me to slam down the phone and pretend I didn't tell him anything.

"What're you thinking, how're you feeling?" I asked. My voice was calm and assured. Inside, my heart was crumbling into jigsaw puzzles of regret.

"I'm shocked."


"I tell you what. You think about it first. I'll talk to you soon."

And he hung up. He didn't even say "Take care, bye."

In that 5 minutes, which felt like 5 dharmic life cycles, I knew, the person whom I've always wanted to connect with, was gone... at least for now.

I left home and took a walk around my neighbourhood aimlessly. I didn't know what to do. I knew he probably had to face some issues, like guilt, but I wanted him to ask me questions. I wanted him to know me as I am. Not as the straight-acting front I have to put up all the time.

For three weeks, he avoided coming home. He has his own apartment somewhere in town.
In coming out to him, I added another pearl on the necklace, a painfully beautiful one. And I hung it around my neck.
As you would also agree, this is a well-written entry. I can feel the emotions seeping out from this post and am really happy that he has come out to those whom he felt needed to know.

I then emailed him back with the request if he was willing to join me as an editor, and very fortunately, he agreed. We chatted a little on MSN Messenger and talked about various issues, and also touched on the further developments of this blog.

I have a few people in mind now that suits the position of being an editor, and I re-iterate my stand we would have a free share of this blog. It's not mine, nor is it theirs. This is a blog that could help those in need to gain more courage, and perhaps, bring about some emotional healing.

We discussed how this blog could gain more exposure, and he suggested submitting this URL to some of the more popular blogging websites, so that in a way, we could gain some recognition from their readers. What matters most is what I deem the target audience; be it homosexuals or homophobes, everyone could, in the end, benefit from the posts in this blog.

I would like to thank some of my readers, who have been helping me spread news about this blog, in one way or another. One of them, whom I do not know personally, but helped by submitting a post in sgboy forums, featuring this blog. Some of the other great helpers are nineaugust and willythecop, who have assisted in advertising and marketing, for creating a funny but informative video. Most of all, I would like to express my thanks to Lady Queer,, for linking me up and giving me suggestions.

If you would like to link to us, there is absolutely no need for approval (unless you are linking it together with words of hate of course). You can link us straight at Do drop us an email (if you would like) just to tell us that you have linked us up. It's good to know that we are being linked.

In the meantime, if you are openly gay, you can help us spread the news about this blog to your friends. Do what you can to get this message out.

Please continue to submit your entries either to or you can directly submit your stories by leaving a comment in the most recent post, posting as an anonymous contributor. Your email address will be kept private. All contributor's real names are NOT required, unless specified by the contributor with written permission to reveal the identity.

Revised by Zee on 18 September 2005.
Notes: Sentence structure corrections.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Out and about

Posted by: GayGuy
I am extremely happy today as I finally went out of the closet, to my new friend, through blogging:
This is a personal coming out experience I had.

From: *removed*
To: *removed*

Hi *removed*,

I guess it must be a great surprise to be receiving this email from me, *for privacy reasons the following line as been removed*.

Yes, I am the editor of Gay To The Bone, and right now, I guess you are the only one that knows.

I was so surprised to see your comment on my personal blog, *removed*. Being a rather small scale blogger, with only a handful of dedicated readers, I was very surprised at how you managed to find my blog and that you actually read it.

I read your blog too. I realised that I have some similar interests as you and, I was therefore wondering if we can make friends. This I guess, will be a huge step for me. :-D

Awaiting your reply. Add me in MSN if you are willing? Here: *removed*.

Thanks. :-D

And oh, good luck in your "N"s too!

Cheers! ;-)

What I guess is that he is very shocked, and indeed:
From: *removed*
To: *removed*

I was also astonished by the fact that you were the editor of GTTB! *for privacy reasons the following line as been removed*. Never did I imagine you to be the editor of GTTB.

I am quite open-minded on the net, so making friends with you will not be a problem. But I tend to be damn shy with acquaintances in real life...

Thanks for your concern for my N-Level. I appreciate that. =)


Coming out only takes a simple step. It may be to someone you know or don't. Whatever it is, I believe it is always a great experience.

We met up on MSN, and exchanged numbers, chatted a little about ourselves, and man, the experience was great!

I certainly hope to take this friendship a little further, and lets see where it takes me.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

About the previous post

Posted by: GayGuy
I have recieved quite a bit of feedbacks about the previous posting, as many people think that the contributor has contributed a letter that, in a way, portrays homosexuality in a very negative light.

I agree, and apologise for the offense anyone might have taken from that post, but surely, I am gay, and I am not a Christian, and I have my reasons.
This is NOT a contribution but a commentary worthy of publishing. The commentary has also been slightly edited for captialisation and short-forms.

From: *removed*

Dear blogger, I have to say that the recent letter you posted really annoyed me majorly. The idea of the whole later was to portray homosexuality in a negative light. There are subtle hints dropped along the way by that City Harvest girl that by being a lesbian or gay you would need to CHANGE. I honestly would love to tell it to her face that it's a matter of choice yes, to be either gay or straight because we're born to be bisexual. It's rather apparant that she is promoting the idea that those who are confused (i.e lesbian or gay) with their sexuality should immediately seek help with their church elders and what's not.

I personally feel that the letter is in some ways a slap in the queer community's face. sigh. I don't know if you actually picked up the hints along the way when you read the letter but my friends and I did while we read through that entry. -_-"

lady queer
I thank you lady queer for your continued support and feedbacks.

I am very sure to say now that I knew the hints from the letter, but I believe that what the queer community needs to pick from this letter isn't the small hints or hidden criticism. I believe that we need to realise the fact that she's changed, or at least from what she claims to be.

Christianity and homosexuality are both very sensitive topics, when mixed together.

I believe in choice. If she's changed, and if anyone wants to be changed the same way as her, I would gladly send them off to where he or she finds suiting.

I don't quite know how to continue on from here, but what I wanted to say is that, the contribution may contain elements hinting that homosexuality is wrong, but my approach was to give everyone a freedom of choice.

Wouldn't it be very selfish if we only provide homosexuality from a homosexual perspective?

Look at the article again if you would like, and try to pick out things more "positive", like she's no longer the same, et cetra.

Still, posting that article up, I still felt that I am wrong in some ways, because wouldn't that post itself defeat the purpose of this blog itself? I realised that I would be committing a even greater mistake if I take away the freedom of choice from the readers.

What this blog needs to focus now is again, back to the homosexuality issue, and leave this "trials" behind.

Note that the choice I mention is NOT choice of sexual orientation, which I strongly believe that IT IS NOT A CHOICE, but I was refering to the choice of religion. Surely you can't order someone to choose a religion he or she doesn't like, right?

Please continue to submit your entries either to or you can directly submit your stories by leaving a comment in the most recent post, posting as an anonymous contributor. Your email address will be kept private. All contributor's real names are NOT required, unless specified by the contributor with written permission to reveal the identity.